these things we don't need to say
by ThisGirlLovesU
Summary: Set on episode 13x09 and after. Jo's past is making her entire world fall apart and the only person who can help her is probably going to prison. Alex knows something is up with Jo, but can't put a finger on it. What are they going to do about it? I suck at summarys, but it's 100% Jolex and that's all that matters. Depression, domestic abuse, combined with Jolex fluffiness!
1. Chapter 1

**Hello everyone! I'd like to start this by saying that I was a die hard jolex fan until the beginning of season 13…then Shonda and the writers made me kind of hate those two…until 13x09! I mean, all of my Jolex feels came back at once with the "I'm sorry" and the elevator scene. I just love those two 3 so, anyways, I hope you like this story…and I'm sorry if I make too many grammar mistakes, I'm not a native English speaker :B**

 **At least this chapter will be all set in Jo's mind, because I just find her quite interesting as a character, although the writers have wasted a lot of her potential, but hey! That's what fanfics are for**

She had felt alone for so long, even before that terrible night. She was caught up in her lie, she felt trapped, alone, scared, sad. She wanted to tell him, she did. She wanted to tell him, she wanted to be able to explain him why she couldn't marry him, because it broke her heart to tell him "no", she could see how that hurt him and she knew how he wanted to have a family and stability, how he wanted to have what neither of them could have as kids. And she wanted that too, she wanted it so badly and she knew that if she had told him her story, he would have tried to help her, and, if he had been lucky, maybe they would be married by now, with everything solved, none of this would be happening.

But this wasn't some perfect fairytale. If anything, Jo's life had been a terrible nightmare, except for those 5 years with Alex Karev. And she knew that if she had told him, chances were he would have gotten hurt, or killed, or he would have ended up in jail. She couldn't be that selfish. She couldn't put Alex at risk just so she could have some peace of mind. He deserved more, she had decided. And the best thing she could do, was to let him go.

But then again, here we were. Everything had gone wrong, not because she told him, but because she didn't. And because she was stupid enough to get drunk. She always did it. She ruined every good thing she had. Some years ago she had lived a perfect life, married to a popular and loved man. But she wasn't good enough, she never was. She hadn't even been able to make her husband happy, how could she ever think she could be good enough for Alex? She was trash, he had said it himself, just like her husband had so many times. She was born as trash, she grew up as trash, she was trash and she probably would end up being trash. Nothing could ever change that. And now he was going to find out about her husband anyways, he was probably going to end up in jail and she would have to run from her husband and start a new life again, so it had all been for nothing.

And just as she was thinking all of this, he walked into the storage room.

Jo couldn't look at him. She had hurt him so much, she probably ruined his career, she broke his heart, she made him waste 5 years with her…she just couldn't.

But he was there, she had to at least say something to him.

-Did you hear I was subpoenaed?

-uhm, yeah, my attorney is really good, she says

-Probably I don't…I don't think that we should talk about it-What was she doing now? She was completely off. She walked to grab some things.

-Yeah, I don't want to, it's just…After tomorrow we might not have a chance to talk. I might not see you after-He said as he was looking at her-I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

He looked scared and vulnerable. She hadn't seen him like that in a while. They hadn't talk in a long time.

-Alex, you've said that, I know.

-I mean for the things I said. You are not trash, don't ever let anyone say that-he just kept looking at her. Staring into her soul.

Jo felt cold. How could he, after everything that had happened, still think she was not trash? She had abandoned him.

-You're not trash Jo-And with that, he left.

She stayed there. She wanted to cry so badly. She was so sorry for everything that had happened. She realized she still loved him so much. She had thought that maybe if she stopped talking to him and was distant for a while, all of her feelings would just go away. But apparently, they hadn't. She would always care.

She decided to leave that storage room right away. She had to work. That would make her feel good again. Being around people with problems worse than hers always seemed to make her forget about everything.

This time it was different though. She knew that she had to do something. She had to tell him. He deserved it. And he wouldn't do anything now, after all, he was probably going to end up in jail and she would flee as soon as he was locked up and safe.

Her mind was worried, thinking about all of this as she was doing some stitches.

-Ouch-said Lisa, her patient. She was a fifty-something woman. She had been walking near the building when it collapsed. She was not in danger, but she had some pretty ugly wounds.

-I'm sorry-Jo said.

-Honey, you've said that at least ten times in the twenty minutes I've been here

-I'm sorry-she said again, her mind everywhere but in her patient- I don't usually make all of these mistakes, it's just that with this accident, I'm out of focus right now-she lied

-Oh sweetheart, you might be a good liar, but your puffy eyes tell me the accident might not be the only thing that has you worried

-It's just allergies mrs Harrison, nothing to worry about.

-Dr Wilson, you might be a doctor, but I am an older, wiser woman and a mother of three daughters. Not to mention I'm also a psychologist and you, honey, seem destroyed. So you either tell me what's going on so you can take it out of your head, or you find a way to forget about it and focus on me, because I swear this hurts like hell.

-Don't worry Mrs Harrison, I'll focus 100% on you now.

-Oh you're just like my youngest daughter Cassidy, she like to put on her brave face. She hates to talk about what's on her mind or heart for that matter, but trust me, if you say it I can everything gets better, even if you say it to someone who is not your friend and who doesn't even give you some advice-Jo was crying now, tears running through her cheeks. Her heart felt heavy, her whole body felt bad. She didn't want to be there. She didn't want to be anywhere.

-Excuse me Mrs Harrison, I'll get you another doctor-Jo said, without looking at her patient's eyes. She paged De Luca and left her waiting there. She walked slowly, painfully. Moving, breathing and existing took her an awful lot of her energy.

She felt like her world was falling apart, this wonderful world. She no longer had Alex, she ruined his life, she wasn't a good surgeon anymore, she was caught up in all of this drama…and she probably would have to leave after tomorrow.

She headed to the elevator, it opened and he was there.

-Hey-he said

She hesitated. She knew what she had to do. She had to do it now. It was her time, there was nothing to lose. She entered.

She was scared. But she loved him. She had to tell him, he deserved to know. It didn't matter if he hated her after it, at least he wouldn't hate her during the trial and do something stupid, or say something stupid, that could change the judge's opinion about his case.

But she just couldn't. She froze.

-For God's sake, just do it-she told herself, and without having time to think twice, she stopped the elevator.

-Hey-Alex said again once she did it.

She took one more breath, the last one, she thought, before everything changed.

-I'm married

-What?-He asked

She started second-guessing her decision right away. Why, oh why did she tell him now? She thought, but it was too late, and nothing mattered anymore, so she continued.

-I'm married-she said looking down. Her whole chest ached.

-Hell are you talking about?-Alex asked

-Since before I met you-she paused-I should've told you, but I'm married to a guy who almost beat me to death, and I can't divorce him, because I ran away from him, and I'm not…Jo Wilson isn't my real name-God, this hurt so much. Saying it out loud, sober, to him, made all of her past seem real. She had somehow managed to push it in a place in her brain where it all seemed like a dream, almost as if it hadn't happened.

But now, her past was here, she could remember it as if it was yesterday, and her husband was still ruining her life. Here, in a place where he didn't even know she was at.

-That's why I couldn't marry you- she continued -that's how this whole thing started and I should've told you- She finished. She couldn't breathe. She was scared. She felt sorry, so sorry for everything, but she didn't know how to fix it now. She hated herself for being in this situation. If she had just known better.

-You're married?-he said after a long pause.

Jo turned to face him, her eyes watery, he was there, looking at her in disbelief, waiting for more answers.

-yes- she answered

-And you didn't tell me?-Alex asked her half pissed, half hurt.

-I was scared, I was-She started to explain, but he cut her off.

-Scared of what?-he asked her mad. She looked at him. Of course he wouldn't understand-did you think I'd get mad? You thought I'd get mad at you for trying to do something…

-No, no,no-she interrupted him, before he could continue.-Not at me, him, I-I-thought you'd wanna kill him, and then you'd try something stupid and you'd get hurt, or killed or you'd get in trouble and you, you'd…-she stopped there. And looked at him deeply into his eyes.

-Wind up in jail-he finished for her.

-It might all come up in the court tomorrow. I wanted you to hear it from me-They were looking at each other so deeply. Looking at him always made her feel at home. He was not mad. He was actually okay with it, she thought.

She pushed the button again, and the elevator started working.

She got out. Walked a few steps, and remembered it. Izzie. She was about to do what Izzie did. She was about to leave him. She had to explain it to him. She just couldn't leave him thinking it was all his fault. So she came back and stopped the elevator's door.

-After the trial, if I just take off, if I leave, it's not because of you-she said, reassuring him with her eyes-it's because my testimony will be a matter of record or whatever, but I don't want you to think it's you, ever-She wanted to say he was the best thing that had ever happened to her. That he would always be the love of her life, her best friend, her partner in crime, her everything. That she didn't want him to spend his life feeling like he was the reason why girls left him, he would never be the reason she did. If anything, he was the reason why all of this was just so hard. She just turned around and left.

She had walked a few steps

-Hey-he stopped her-don't go anywhere, no matter what happens, okay?-he was just making this harder.

-I don't want him to find me, he can't find me-she was scared again.

-This is your life, you're Jo Wilson, you belong here-he told her, and he left.

3 phrases, 3 phrases and she felt safe now. But how long would this feeling last? What would she do without him? She had to do something, he couldn't go to jail, he just couldn't. He was the best person she knew, she had to help him.

 **So, yes, Jo is kind of depressed. It's not my fault though, it just happened. The character took life by itself. The next chapter maybe will be Alex centered.**

 **By the way, I'm new to this thing (well, not really new, when I was younger, I started writing a fanfic for Victorious hahaha, but I never finished it, so, uhm, yeah. I hope you liked it!**


	2. Chapter 2

**So here we go! Chapter 2! I hope you like it my dears** **J** **And pleaaaaaaaase, give me some feedback.**

He was scared, but he knew what he had to do. He didn't want her to disappear. He knew she deserved to get what she had worked so hard to get. Jo was about to finish her residency and if she took off after the trial, then all her hard work would have been for nothing. He had been in juvi before, he thought prison couldn't be that different.

And what if it ended his career? He still had enough savings to live for a while and he could always work on something else. Maybe he could ask Christina to hire him in Switzerland, there must be something where he would be able to work at.

He would do anything so she could live as she deserved. Her life had been hell, and yet, only a few people knew about it. At least he had a family and he never felt his life threatened by someone. I mean, sure, his father was dangerous and scary and all of that, but he felt like he could stop him. He always had somewhere to live, something to eat and yes, his life hadn't been easy, but at least he had somewhere to go.

But she didn't.

She never had a safe place to be at. She never had a family, at least to have company or have a sense of belonging. And man, she still had a big heart. He admired her for it.

He looked at his phone: 1 new voice mail from Meredith.

He listened to it. She told him to fight, to not give up, that she couldn't be the only one left.

And just as she stopped talking, a lady came to tell him the attorney was ready to see him. He hesitated.

* * *

Jo was paged by Dr Grey. She was put off the case she had previously been assigned to, as they discovered a mass in the donor where she was going to collect the organ from.

She walked into O.R 6.

-Wilson, scrub in-Meredith said. She seemed upset.

Jo came back a minute later, ready to help her.

-Now as you help me find the source of this bleeding, I need to tell you something-Meredith started-I don't know what's going on between you and Alex, but whatever it is, I don't think him taking the plea is the answer-She said mad.

-I'm sorry, but I don't know what you are talking about

-Alex is on his way to the attorney's, to accept the plea, and be in jail for 2 years and probably destroy his career, so he can protect you from something.

Jo felt cold. She didn't count on Alex taking the plea. She thought he was going to fight the case. She thought he at least would try.

-Dr Grey, I never told him to do anything, I swear I didn't even know he was considering taking the plea

-Well, Wilson, whatever it is that you told him, you just ended his career

She felt like she might start crying again. Gosh, she had cried so much today, enough for the rest of the month. Her eyes only got a little watery, but she knew what to do.

-Excuse me Dr Grey, I need to talk to him

-Well, don't let me stop you

* * *

He was standing up, ready to follow the lady to the attorney's office, when his phone beeped.

1 NEW TEXT FROM JO

He opened it as he walked

"Alex, Meredith just told me about your plan, please don't. I know you want to protect me, but you can't protect me from this, at least not by being in jail for two years. I don't want you to take the plea, don't give up now."

-Is everything okay?-the lady asked

-Please tell the attorney I had to go-he told her.

Alex left the building. He didn't know why Jo had done what she did, it was her chance of not being found by her husband, ever. He decided to text Meredith to tell her that he hadn't taken the plea and went to find Jo.

* * *

She was an awful human being, she told herself, a really really awful human being. She had realized DeLuca had feelings for her about a week ago, but had decided no tot act upon it. Now, she knew that the only way to save Alex from going to jail was to get DeLuca to drop the charges. She knew that Alex had, after all, beaten up DeLuca, so of course he would get some time in jail and there was nothing she could do about it. But she knew that she could use DeLuca's feelings. And she didn't want to.

Andrew had done nothing but being good to her, he had been her support during these weeks after that horrible night and he had been the first person to know about her situation. But this was Alex's future we were talking about, Alex's career and his life. She knew that he wasn't always the sweet pediatric surgeon, prison time could destroy that side and that just couldn't happen.

But still, she knew using Andrew's feelings was wrong, so so wrong.

Before she had time to change her mind though, she paged DeLuca.

What was she going to do? She didn't have a plan; she didn't even know how to use feelings from someone she knew and cared about. -Stop it, you're doing this for Alex-she told herself. De Luca got in.

-Hey-Jo said, her eyes watery. Being a street kid had its perks, she thought.

-What's going on Jo? -Andrew asked concerned

-It's just, my testimony tomorrow…after it, I think I'll have to take off, my husband could find me if I stay…and I just wanted to tell you-she looked into his eyes, tears rolling down her cheeks, Gosh, this felt so wrong – thank you for everything – at least she meant that part -and, it would have been nice to stay here in Seattle with you – that should be enough, she thought, at least it wasn't 100% a lie

-Jo, I don't want you to go

\- Andrew, I have to give my testimony tomorrow and I can't stay after, it would put everyone in danger. Trust me, I'd love to stay – now she was crying more convincedly – Do you think I'd give up my 5 years of residency when I'm about to finish? The only thing I've wanted in my life is to be a surgeon, and now I have to give it up…but it's all my fault, I deserve it, I just wanted to tell you goodbye and thank you.

\- But…

-There's nothing you can do – She looked at him, trying to tell him "you can drop the charges" telepathically, hoping this whole thing would work.

\- I know exactly what I can do, Jo- he said looking at her, with, what was it? Love? In his eyes. Oh no, Jo thought, no, no, no, she thought it was just a little crush, but it seemed DeLuca had it bad. She just screwed this thing up some more than she had before.

\- What can you possibly do? -she asked, she needed to know if it had worked

\- I'm dropping the charges – he said. Well, at least it had worked, but now what?

\- what? Oh no, I couldn't ask you to do that- She said, to keep things looking real

\- yes I can, I'm not dead, my career was not affected, Karev is not a threat to other people, there's no point on sending him to jail- stupid DeLuca, Jo thought, he was such a good person, and she was such an awful manipulative human being.

\- thank you- she said, and she meant it, she really did. She was looking into his eyes, as he started leaning in. Oh no, she thought, oh no, no, no.

But it was too late, and he was kissing her, and she was kissing him, she didn't know why, was it because if she didn't, then he would suspect? Or because she was feeling so sad lately and just needed a kiss? Or was she just an awful person?. No matter what the reason was, there was no going back.

* * *

Alex didn't know where to find Jo, so he was just walking around the hospital, when he heard her voice in the CT room. The door was half open, he was going to get in, when he realized there was someone else in there.

-thank you- she said. She sounded as if she was crying.

There was some silence, so he decided to see what was going on. And he saw them. De Luca and Jo, kissing. Alex felt like beating up De Luca all over again, but he realized there was no reason to do it. Jo was no longer his girlfriend, no matter how much it hurt, he knew she could kiss other people if she wanted to. So, he just turned around and left the building.

 **So, I wanted to put some Alex thoughts in this chapter, but I'm not really good at thinking like a boy, I've never been one hahaha. But well, by the way, I'm not Meredith's biggest fan (ever since that major fight she had with Christina), so if I make her act or look like a bitch, I'm really sorry.**

 **Aaand, I feel bad for using Andrew, I really like him…when he's far away from Jolex :P**


	3. Chapter 3

**So…chapter 3! Don't get used to this regular updates, as soon as I start with tests again, I'll disappear hahaha. Thank you for following and reviewing! I hope you like it.**

-Andrew-she started

-mmhh?-he said, his eyes opening from the kiss

-I-I don't..-she was about to tell him she didn't feel anything, but she realized she just couldn't. Not until he had dropped the charges – I don't think I can ever thank you enough for what you're doing.

-Oh don't worry Jo-he said, looking into her eyes

Jo hadn't felt so uncomfortable in a long time. She didn't feel anything, she didn't like him that way. She didn't remember the last time she was in a situation like this one, because she had been in a relationship for a long time…and everyone knew she was taken, so they didn't bother trying. She didn't know what to do next.

-So, uhm-she started

-I'll go call my lawyer-he finished

-Sure, I'll go home, it's been a long day

-I know-he said-so uhm, bye-he kissed her awkwardly on her cheek and left.

What on Earth had she just done? Jo wasn't feeling well. She went to her loft, sat on her bed and just stared at the wall. She had saved Alex, she knew that, she was happy about it, but she had gotten herself into this awful De Luca situation, she knew she had to tell him she didn't feel anything, but, what if he got mad and realized she had done it for Alex? And what if he pressed charges again?. She knew this was a bad plan from the beginning, but she felt like there was nothing else to do.

She sat on her bed. She knew she had to eat something, but she didn't feel like doing anything. She just sat there, staring at the wall.

Nothing seemed right again. She wished she could go back to earlier, before she had learned that Alex wanted to take the plea. Those hours between the elevator and Dr Grey. When she felt everything was starting to look right.

But that feeling never lasted. And every day that passed now, was another day of nothing. Her life felt like nothing. Like it consisted on her opening her eyes in the morning, using most of her energy to get up in that empty loft, somedays she would grab a cup of coffee, most of the days she didn't, then she would get to the hospital, work, talk to De Luca, eat with De Luca, sometimes do a shift, sometimes just head to the loft, and back to sleep. Somedays Stephanie would come over, cook her some dinner (or order something to eat, most of the time), force her to study for the boards and then stay over. She appreciated her company, it kept her mind away from her life.

* * *

Alex didn't know where to go. He didn't feel like going to Meredith's, he didn't feel like going to Joe's….he didn't even feel like going to the hospital. So he just walked around the city. Walked and walked. He still loved her. So much. He had thought that with everything that had happened today, they were on their way to get back together, but apparently, he was losing his ability to understand Jo, because she was now kissing De Luca. It made sense though, he knew they were close now. He was there for her when he wasn't, it was natural they had fallen for each other.

He knew she probably had asked De Luca to drop the charges, and as much as he was hurt because she was now with him, he also knew she had saved his career. He needed to thank her, but he didn't want to say it to her face, he didn't trust himself. He knew he lost control quite easily, and could say harsh things when he was mad and hurt. A note would be the best option, much more personal than a text or a call, and without the risk of screwing things up…He just hoped he had the loft keys with him…and that she hadn't changed the lock.

Alex found himself in front of his former home. He looked for his keys and tried them in the lock. It worked.

* * *

She was still staring at the wall, when she heard a pair of keys opening the door. She didn't move. It was probably Stephanie.

-Hey, oh, sorry, I uhm thought you were at the hospital- A male's voice said. She knew that voice….but it didn't make any sense. Was she dreaming? Or having hallucinations?

-I was, but I wasn't feeling well, so I came home-She replied-uhm, what are you doing here?

-I was going to leave you a "thank you" note…you know, for the whole dropping of the charges thing with De Luca. I didn't want to call or text you.

-why me? Andrew was the one who did it-She said. It was truth. He didn't need to know anything else.

-Look, I know you are…closer…to De Luca now- he said, with a not-so-happy voice- and the guy hates me, so…I know you had something to do

-I...you're welcome-He kept looking into her eyes…he looked sad, she thought. Why was he sad? He was free now.

After a couple of seconds of silence, he started

-Okay, I'm gonna say this now that I'm calmed…I saw you kissing DeLuca….and it's okay, really….but I just, I mean, I thought

-Alex-she tried to cut him mid sentence. But he didn't listen

-I mean, I know you can date whoever you want…

-Alex-she said again, still not loud enough

-But-he continued

-ALEX-she said, almost shouting this time- I didn't kiss him, he did. I don't like him that way

-Jo, you don't need to lie- He was being impossible, she thought.

-Alex, look at me-She said as she looked into his eyes-I don't like him that way.

-Okay, fine, but you were kissing back Jo, why were you kissing him back.

-He had told me he was going to drop the charges, and I'm…-She couldn't say it. There was always something stopping her from telling Alex everything-I don't really know why I did it, I just know I don't feel that way-Alex's face seemed less worried or sad.

* * *

He knew something was wrong. He couldn't put a finger on it though. He knew she was there, but there was something missing. And this whole DeLuca thing didn't make any sense. So she kissed him back, but she didn't feel that way and she wasn't sure why she did it?

They looked at each other's eyes for a bit longer. He didn't want to break contact. There was something up and he wanted to know what it was.

-Jo, what's up?

-Nothing, I should tell DeLuca I don't feel anything

-Jo

-Alex

He looked at her again. There was something up. He had felt it at the elevator, and before at the storage room. There was something different about her. And it wasn't just about the trial, because now that she didn't have to testify, he could still feel it.

He decided to drop it for now, and to keep asking about the DeLuca thing

-Jo, how exactly did you get DeLuca to drop the charges?- She looked down. Oh God, did she sleep with him to get his freedom? Alex could feel his blood boiling. If DeLuca had used her…

-I kinda…I played his feelings, pretty badly, and I know it was wrong…but I uhm

-It felt like the only way, I get it-he said with relief. It wasn't that bad after all, but still, she looked as if she felt like trash.

-I'm scared that if I tell him now I don't feel anything, he will realize I played him and he'll get mad

-So what, you will date him just because you think he'll get mad?

-I mean, what if he presses charges again?-she looked scared, guilty and many other things. What had happened to her?

-Jo, even if he does, the case won't look as good as it did for him, because he would have dropped the charges and then pressed them again in a short amount of time. I'd have a bigger chance, so don't worry. But anyways, I don't think he'll think that, and I doubt he'll do that if you tell him.

She just looked at him. She looked a little calmer, but he still thought there was something going on, he knew better than to force her into telling him thought, so he decided to leave.

-I'll leave now, thank you again-he said, looking at her

* * *

-Thank you-She whispered once he had shut the door. And she meant it with all of her heart. He had done it again. Calming her down without knowing it. Shutting down her mind, making her feel safe.

She had to talk to DeLuca now. She just hoped everything went out well.

 **So that's it! Please tell me what you think in a review!**

 **ANSWER TO AN ANONIMOUS REVIEW** **: To that one person who asked me why Jo referred to herself as this crappy person: I was born and raised by psychologists…and I've had some mental health issues myself. I had a feeling while watching this season that Jo had depression, mild depression to be precise…and one of the many things depression does to a person is to make him or her feel guilty, way too guilty, about everything…and it makes you do stupid things (like kissing De Luca), so, no, it doesn't reflect on what I think of Jo, because I love her. She just thinks she's the worst person on Earth because of her mental condition (which is something I wouldn't be surprised to find in someone who has gone through the things she has gone through.**

 **And although I do think Jo is responsible for what happened, I also think Alex, her husband, her parents for abandoning her, Alex's parents, Stephanie for leaving her with De Luca, etc are responsible…It's everyone's fault (Actually it's Shonda's…Shonda loves to see us suffer).**

 **Oh and I hated Jolex because THEY DIDN'T TALK. For God's sake, it was frustrating. I mean, in episode 1 Alex goes and yells at Jo and treats her like crap, so I hated Alex for making Jo cry…and then in ep 2 Jo is all "I don't care about you anymore, I don't care if you're going to jail", so I hated Jo for not giving Alex another chance, when he was scared and alone…I was yelling to my laptop (I don't live in USA, so I had to watch the episodes online hahaha) WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!. And don't even make me start on the whole DeLuca thing, when he had the nerve to tell Jo Alex was the bad guy. Ugh, this season has me all pissed.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4! yay! I just want you to know I don't even know where this story is going hahaha. I mean, if something doesn't make sense, is probably because of that. By the way, this chapter could be triggering for some people.**

Alex closed the loft's door and stayed there. He didn't move. He couldn't. He knew something was up with her, she seemed normal, but she was quieter, and less responsive, she didn't even say anything on the fact that he still had the loft key or that he just entered without knocking or calling her or anything. It didn't feel right to leave her alone there in this weird state she was in, so being the impulsive person he was, he unlocked the door and entered the loft again, without anyone's permission.

She was still sitting in the exact same spot. She was, once again, staring at the wall in front of her, just like she had been when he entered the first time. It was all strange.

-Hey-he said

-Hey-she answered, looking at him. Her eyes watery.

-Jo, is something going on?

-No-she replied

He knew she was lying. But then again, there had been about two months in which they hadn't talked.

-So I just thought maybe I could stay here a little longer, if you don't mind. Mer is at the hospital with Maggie and I don't know where Amelia is- He hoped Jo would agree.

-Sure-she told him. She looked really tired and pale. He wondered when had been the last time she ate. There weren't any traces of food in the kitchen and the coffee machine seemed abandoned.

-Do you have any food in here? I'm starving-He said casually. He wanted an excuse to make her some dinner.

But the only answer he got were tears rolling down her cheeks.

* * *

-Jo, what's wrong?-he asked. Her entire existence was wrong, from the very beginning. So she just looked at him. She couldn't tell him exactly what was wrong.

She knew she wasn't well, but she didn't want him to help her. He had told her about his mother, and about Rebecca/Ava, he knew mental illness, he had taken care of women with mental illness before. She didn't want to be the next one.

So what if she felt like her existence was crap? Eventually she'll feel better.

Alex sat next to her in silence. Staring at the same wall. She had forgotten how it felt to be near him, it was magnetic, she wanted to be even closer, but she remembered they weren't dating or anything.

-You know, if you don't want to talk to me, that's fine, but I want you to know that I'm here and that I'm willing to listen

Jo looked into his eyes again, then looked away. She didn't want him to know what was going on. She didn't want him to feel responsible. She just took his hands into hers and held it there. She had forgotten how warm he was and how big was his hand in comparison to hers.

She stared firmly into their hands together. He was the best man she knew. She had never had a relationship like theirs before, she had never felt like that before. Pure love, not fear, not anxiety, nothing. She remembered how her husband's hands had always bruised knuckles, sometimes from beating her up. How scared she was of them. How they never felt like Alex's.

She looked into his eyes one again. Concern all over his face. She could tell he was trying to figure out what was going on in her mind.

-I was 23. I lived in my car-she started. Her heart racing. She had encountered feelings on telling him. She knew he deserved the truth, but what if it hurt him to know all the details?. She couldn't look into his eyes, so she kept her eyes glued to their hands – He was 30 and the most famous young lawyer in the city. I was only a girl in college and he noticed me. We started dating and after a while, he asked me to move in with him and then to marry him. Everything was fine, he was the only one I had, he was my everything-she paused. It was very hard to say all these things. She never went to therapy or anything, she just kept going, never looked back. She didn't have time to. Alex squeezed her hand, giving her strength to continue- But then my final exams came, I had to study. I wasn't there for him as much, so he was angry and jelous of everyone I studied with. Whenever I went out to study with my classmates, he would make a scene. He'd tell me I was selfish, that I only cared about me, that I was never there for him anymore. One day, he had a really bad day at work and when he came home I wasn't there. I was studying at college. So when I got home, he was waiting for me. He was really angry. He said he had given me everything,that I would still be in that car if it wasn't for him. That I was nothing and that would still be if he hadn't married me, that I was useless. That I couldn't even be a proper wife and that I shouldn't even bother trying to pass my exams, because I would never be a good doctor- Tears were falling from her eyes as she said this. She could remember everything as if it had been yesterday -I…I told him I was studying. I shouldn't have said anything. I shouldn't have answered. I knew he could be violent. He had slapped me a few times before…But I did. So he hit me. Again and again, until I couldn't even tell him to stop. When he finished, he told me he was sorry, I told him I was leaving him, but he promised...he promised he'd never do it again, that he didn't know what had happened, that he loved me...but he always did. It became a routine, he would beat me up and then he would say sorry, shower me with flowers and gifts and love. Until he stopped saying sorry, and started telling me to shut up, he said that I deserved it, he never beat me up out of nowhere. It would always be because I did something wrong. I still loved him though. He didn't do it all the time and I still remembered the sweet, caring man he had been. He was awful 10% of the time and the other 90% he was the perfect husband - She was sobbing by now. Alex hugged her. It was a warm, comforting hug. -I graduated from Med school and he didn't let me start my residency. He told me I if I did we were over and I'd be alone, with no money and nobody would love again. I...I believed him. So I didn't apply to any hospital. I became a housewife and whenever someone asked me why I wasn't doing my residency, I lied. I lied to everyone. Whenever I had a bruise and someone saw it, I'd say I fell down the stairs or something. Whenever I had a black eye, I excused myself for not going out, saying I was sick. I didn't want anyone to know. I loved him, he was my family and if I told anyone, I'd be alone. I didn't want to be alone, I didn't want to be without him, but I knew what he did to me was wrong. And whenever I threatened him about leaving for good, he told me he'd kill me. And that I couldn't press charges against him because he was a lawyer, he had a lot of contacts and nobody would believe a word- She looked at Alex. His eyes were watery. Concern all over his face. Maybe she shouldn't have told him. But it was too late now. - One day I went to the grocery store, Mrs Schmidtz was there. I was wearing a short sleeved shirt. I had forgotten I had some bruises. She saw me, she hadn't seen me in a while. She asked me about med school and I told her I had graduated. Of course, she asked me about my residency and I...i told her I had realized I wanted to be a housewife. She knew me and it didn't take her long to notice the bruises in my arms. She took me with her. I tried to resist, but she said I had to leave him. She helped me a lot. As I was unwilling to press charges, she told me to leave, to change my name and stay hidden. She knew someone that could help me change the name of my medical license. She was very supportive. She sent me some money the first months so I could survive. She's the only one who knows everything, but I know I can't talk to her. It could put her at risk if he ever finds out what happened.

Alex didn't say anything. He just held her closer and kissed her cheek softly while she cried. She cried about everything. She cried because she had been a victim of domestic abuse. She cried because she missed Mrs Schmidtz. She cried because she had to lie to Alex because of the bastard of her husband. She cried and cried, because she had been stupid enough to love an abusive man, to love him so much she never pressed charges. She hated herself. She hated she had to live with herself. She hated she felt stuck in this lie for so long. But then, there was this human being that still loved her. After everything, he still loved her. And she didn't know what to do about it. She loved him, she knew he was the one, but she felt like she would never be able to give him what he needed. He deserved a family, a wife, children, not someone who had to live hidden.

* * *

Alex had no words for her. He didn't feel like he needed to talk. He just held her. He wanted to hold her closer, to shelter her from everything, from the pain, the fear, the anger. He wanted her to be happy, to feel loved, accompanied.

He had seen his mother being slapped by his dad, but he had never seen her go through what Jo had gone through. She didn't do anything to be punished with a life like hers. He wished he could erase everything bad that had happened to her, but he knew he couldn't. But he could hold her now. He could love her, he could love her like anybody had ever loved her. Because she deserved it and there was nothing he'd love more than to give her all of his love.

But then, he wasn't perfect. He lost his temper so easily. He could be so mean. He was very quick to say those stupid things to her that day. Now he understood why she hadn't forgiven him so easily. He had been a jerk. What if that was all he was?

He was pulled off his thoughts when she moved to be more comfortable. He now had his arms around her entire torso, her head was resting on his chest, his arm between hers, she was almost in fetal position, entirely held by him. She kept his hand firmly in hers. Everything felt so right being like that. He decided he'd try to be a better man. He'd try to be the guy she deserved, because there was no way he'd let her go. She was the one, he hadn't been so sure in his entire life about something. He didn't need to marry her, a post-it had worked for Mer and Derek, then why wouldn't it work for them?

* * *

 **I did an entire research on domestic violence to keep things real. I watched some documentaries and read about the psychological profiles. I hope it ended up being believable.**

 **Oh, and I had to let my inner (and outer lol) teenage girl get all fluffy and romantic, I just love them 3 forever and ever. I don't care if Shonda kills this couple, I still believe in Calzona, so why can't I believe in Jolex? Just as I believe that Mark and Lexie are together in heaven…gosh I loved those two...please let's have a moment of silence for all of the couples Shonda has killed.**

 **Anyways, thank you for reading and I hope you liked it! and please give me some feedback in the reviews, I'd love to know what you want to read :)**


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